Staying Positive

I believe being positive is an important piece of being happy. I’m not saying we can’t grieve or mourn our losses or that we can’t feel down now and then. But I am saying if we turn our attention to the positive after we are done crying we find ourselves in a better position. Here are several times being positive helped me (and still are).

• Being homeschooled. When I was in eigth grade I was bullied so badly I had to leave the school. I remained homeschooled for the rest of the year which felt really isolating. So I decided to explore local youth groups and library groups to make new friends from other schools. I found a two youth groups and a library group that kept me busy after school. Even after I started at a private school, I remained in contact with all my local friends. In junior year, I started dating a boy I met at the library. We were together for two  years. These people really added comfort and support to my life at a time I needed them.

• Being put on medical leave. When I was in my sophomore year at college, I was hospitalized for the second time. After I was released I was put on medical leave instead of going back to college. I was devastated. I missed my friends, my classes, my hobbies, my home. But again I tried to see this as an opportunity for making new friends. I signed up for this website Meetup.com and found a poetry group that did regular slams locally. I started attending regularly and soon forged friendships with the talented poets I met. Not only that I actually won some of them. 

• Having my cousins come stay with me. Several years ago at the end of the pandemic, my Aunt Rosemary passed away. She was my dad’s youngest sister and she left behind four children all under the age of eighteen. The first month I was frozen by grief. But as time went on I was able to remember my Aunt Rosemary with a smile. How she had made mocktails with me because she knew I couldn’ drink alcohol. How she read to me as a kid. One nice thing was when my younger cousins came to stay with us. We took them out to restaurants and hibachi, minigolf and bowling. We played cards every night and my little cousin,Mary, and I would journal at the kitchen table together. It was like having four new siblings and since my brother had moved out, I really enjoyed the company. We were united not only by loss but by our love for one another.

• Using online dating. It took a lot for me to get  my parent’s permission to let me date online. It took a lot of discernment over who to swipe right on. I skipped the dating apps that were geared toward hookups because I was looking for the real thing. Finally, I found a very cute boy on Bumble. His profile mentioned he liked movies so I asked him what his favorite horror movie was (P.S. He doesn’t like horror movies at all). When he asked me on a date I made sure to go very slowly because I didn’t want to ruin this or scare him off. It was hard because when I have a good thing going my OCD likes to ruin it. But I didn’t want to scare him off so I let him take things at his own speed. Over two years later, we are still together.

• Losing weight I had always been thin until I went on some very powerful psychiatric medications. Since then, I don’t look the same. And I know that. I managed to lose thirty pounds with Weight Watchers. I took dessert out of the equation, barely touched fried food and eliminated snacking. Sadly, I have gained it all back. As I write this I am at my heaviest. I understand that if I lost the weight once I could do it again. But it’s really hard to stay positive about this especially since it takes a while. I want immediate results. But again, I know I have to be patient.

• Taking medicine. I started taking medicine at age 11. For the first few years, I bounced around on the SSRI’s for my OCD. Then at 19, I began showing symptoms of bipolar disorder with psychotic features. More medications were added. Right now I am on between ten and twelve medications. We are in the middle of crosstapering and its hard on my body and my mind. But it could worse. I could have no medicine or at least none that work effectively. Luckily I can use the meds to manage my conditions. 

• Staying sober. There is something that gives me hope. Hope that I can lose all this weight. It is the fact that in two months I will have been sober for eight years. I say it casually but I am actually very proud of that. If I can fight an addiction with alcohol, surely I can fight an addiction with food. Now that’s optimism.