Things that Changed Me

• Being diagnosed as OCD. I was really little when I started exhibiting signs of OCD. My parents brought me to a psychiatrist when I was 11, who immediately diagnosed me with OCD and GAD. I remember writing one thing about it in my journal. “I have OCD and GAD. I have a therapist. I won’t talk about it anymore” I kept my OCD secret all through middle school, especially the fact that I took medication. I was ashamed and embarrassed. When I reached high school, I realized I wasn’t alone. This really helped me later on when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, an oft misunderstood diagnosis as well. I learned alot from these diagnosis. I learned how they made me stronger. And we can all benefit from becoming stronger.

• Spending time in a mental hospital. Being in a mental institution is a test. Unlike a regular hospital, you don’t have access to a cell phone to contact your friends and family whenever you want or whenever you need assurance or just someone to tell you they love you. You are limited to visiting hours and the pay phone which you actually need to pay to use (personally I think that is a little disgusting). You are at the mercy of the doctors and whatever medications they give you (or don’t give you). You have no privacy at times- bathroom stalls reveal everything and sometimes you are assigned a one to one to watch you shower and poop and sleep. You are at your most vulnerable. This was terrifying for me. I’ve been in a mental hospitall six times. I don’t plan to go back.

• Being sexually assaulted I was assaulted at age 14 at my high school. Since then several other men have also violated me. It’s hard to think about and talk about but sadly it isn’t that uncommon. I’m certainly not alone here.

• My boyfriend. One of the positive things on this list, my boyfriend is an absolute gem. We met on Bumble and had an instant connection. Over the last two years and change, we’ve gone on vacation together, we’ve been see Broadway shows, we go to the movies (alot. He’s a film buff) and we cuddle with each other at night until we fall asleep. He is my rock. He has taught me to become a more patient, loving, tolerant person and I couldn’t ask for anyone more compassionate.

• My suicide attempt My wounds were shallow when I slit my wrists but there was alot of blood and for several moments I thought I was dying. I was in a state of psychosis so everything seemed strange and I genuinely didn’t think I’d make it. When it became apparent my cuts were just surface wounds, I still was suicidal but there was some part of me that expressed relief. That wanted to live. Since then I don’t take much for granted. I believe God put me on this Earth, not for one reason but for many reasons even if I don’t understand them at the time. Although I didn’t even encounter any “near death visions” or see God, I feel like I went through a huge change in appreciating everything, especially my life.

• Camp I worked three summers at a camp for kids with cancer. I earned below minimum wage but that never bothered me. I love working with children and at camp I could give them the summer every kid wants. They had the typical camp experience from boating to swimming to arts and crafts to dancing. I worked with the youngest kids (the group we called “The Acorns”) These children were only 3 or 4 years old and life hadn’t been quite fair to them. I learned alot from these kids. Not gonna lie the lessons were sometimes painful (like when one of my campers passed from a brain tumor) but the camp taught me what was important in life.

• Getting sober Being sober taught  me alot of things. I initially got sober for medical reasons. I stayed sober for mental health issues and the fact that alcohol clashes with my medication. At first I was very resentful and it was kind of like a root canal. But then I realized I was having fun….without alcohol! To those of you out there who use alcohol to self-medicate or as a social lubricant maybe you would understand what a revelation that was. I have a genuinely good time at parties and bars now even if I’m surround by people drinking. It honestly comes down to support. All my friends and my boyfriend have been very supportive of my sobriety, always stocking nonalcoholic drinks and encouraging me to stick to the promise. The one I made to God and myself.