This Journal Has Feelings: Furious (Trigger Warning)

I collect journals. Not just the blank ones, the basic composition notebooks, though I am fond of those too, but fill in the blank journals, journals with prompts, journals that couldn’t possibly fit in my fireproof boxes because I have too many. One journal I did make room in my fireproof box for is This Journal Has Feelings (a Knock Knock journal). In the spirit of Inside Out 2 (which I admit I haven’t seen yet) I am going to do a segment on my blog called Feeling Fridays. Every Friday I will type up an emotion and the diary entry that went along with that emotion.

These entries go back to the Christmas of 2017 when I received this gift while I was in a mental hospital. My Story of Hope ends where this journal picks up. I face a traumatic relationship (and I do not say that lightly), a lackluster FWB and alot of cancer. Some of the entries I will not share because they compromise the privacy of others or because they are more intimate than even I am willing to share (I have family reading this blog after all!). The book has six sections- anger, anxiety, happiness, productivity, sadness and zenness (is zenness a word? I mean the state of being zen).

Warning: Potentially Triggering Subject Ahead

Emotion: Furious

Also Known As: A Letter to My Rapist Who Also Happens to Be My Ex-Boyfriend 

Date: 2/11/2020

Do you know what you’ve done to me? You’ve shattered this illusion known as love. You went from my protector to my attacker. You asked me if I care about you, you dragged me through endless fights, you put me through so much my therapist thinks I have PTSD. You were no longer on my side. You just wanted to be mad at me. All I tried to do was keep you happy. I even slit my wrists and you didn’t show much concern because you picked up with the same nonsense the next night. I shouldn’t have done what I did with John (name change).  I’ll be the bad guy. But no one should cast aspersions on me until they learn how you beat me down. I want to cry now. It’s been three months and I have moments of such anger. I’m tormented by such guilt. I feel like those two emotions burn brightest inside my heart. I feel sickened by love. I don’t like feeling cynical. But someone can turn on you. Someone can break your heart. And that’s what you did. You broke my heart. How can I move on from this? I don’t think I can love someone again. Start over. It hurts too much. My forever has been torn.

It took me about four more years to seek trauma therapy which, as some of you might know, I gradated from a few months ago. We do recover. We do get better.