Times I Was Terrified Part One

• The eighth grade talent show. The first time I auditioned for a talent show I was in fifth grade. I auditioned playing piano, although I forget what piece. Performing was one of the worst experiences of my middle school life. I was so nervous my hands shook. But I did it again in sixth grade and had the exact same experience. I decided not to audition in seventh grade. I was comfortable acting and singing in the school play but when a piano was introduced I immediately fell apart. In eighth grade (which is high school in our town) I paired a new element with my piano: my voice. I would be playing/ singing “I Dreamed A Dream” by Les Miserables. Backstage I heard some of the seniors discussing who would win. When I asked them what they meant, one girl said “This is high school now. Not everyone’s a winner” Which is good because I banged out half a piece and then practically fled from the auditorium. Lately, I’ve been toying with the idea of posting me playing and singing on the internet. I’ve come a long way.

• Trigger Warning: suicide

When I attempted suicide, I used a razor. I had no idea how deep the slashes to my wrists were but they bled. Alot. They bled all over my clothes, all over my teddy bear and all over the towel my friends mom pressed to my wrists to stem the bleeding. As it turned out the cuts were superficial (although I do have the scars). But I was convinced I was bleeding to death. The ambulance was on its way but I had no idea if they would make it in time. So essentially I was lying there confronted with my poor decision and wondering if I literally had made the mistake of my life.

• My first time in a mental institution. Unlike other times I was not actively suicidal or psychotic my first time in a mental institution which occurred when I was twenty years old. I was there voluntarily but even so once you are in a mental institution it’s kind of hard (read: impossible) to just waltz out the door. The doors are locked after all. I remember being there my first night (nights were the worst). I remember wandering over to the window in my room which overlooked the courtyard. I imagined shimmying down to the first floor and catapulting myself over the courtyard walls. But then, I knew, they would only track me down and find me. Being trapped somewhere is truly a terrifying feeling.

• My first time hearing voices. I was in my sophomore year of college when I started hearing voices. Usually they occurred when I was doing something stressful like school work or a disagreement with a friend. They would roar in my mind that I should kill myself, that no one loved me, that I was disgusting. As the year progressed, they got worse. Sometimes I would scream back at them. Sometimes I’d hide under the desk. Eventually I was put on an antipsychotic. It was helpful but did not completely eliminate the voices. In junior year I was put on Risperdal, which was like a Godsend.

• I remember one of my boyfriends could get violent (not with me but with his friends and his belongings). He mixed Xanax with marijuana and alcohol and could get very aggressive. One time I went to the mall with him in this condition. Not only did he choke me in front of a security guard, he told me I was “fucking stupid”. I was scared so I was texting my best friend, Derrick. I wanted to go home but I knew my ex would get mad if I  asked….and he was in no condition to drive. Derrick, worried, called me. I was whispering into the phone when my ex saw me talking to him. He grabbed the phone away from me and held it above his head, laughing. I was so scared. I knew Derrick was protective of me and I was worried that if he made my boyfriend angry my boyfriend might hurt me. But luckily my boyfriend just found the whole thing amusing. He hung up on my friend and handed it to me. Later I found out Derrick told him “If you hurt Leigh, I will fucking kill you”

Check back for my next update and my big Fourth of July post!