Top Defining Moments Part Five

Top  Defining Moment Part Five: First hospitalization

1. Where are you at this time? I am in my room in the hospital looking out the window that overlooks the courtyard and wondering if there is any way I could escape (you can’t).

2. How old were you and what do you look like? I was twenty years old. I have hair in a short bob, I am very physically fit but I am wearing clothes that don’t fit me because all my clothes are back at school.

3. Who was there with you or who was supposed to be there with you? There were three other women that were very kind to me. On the first morning I wasn’t eating but they told me to make an effort or I would be sent to an eating disorder ward. I had a really nice woman as a roommate who came from Ukraine. Sometimes at night we would talk as the nurses did rounds.

4. What happens to make this moment so significant? It was when I realized how severe my mental illness was. I would go on to be hospitalized five more times in several places but this hospital visit was my first so it was an eye opener. It wasn't until later that I appreciated how much worse other hospitals could be. 

5. What emotions are you experiencing at this time? I was scared. I was downright terrified. I was worried something would happen and I  never would be allowed out of the hospital again. I know that sounds kind of ridiculous but I was so scared I wouldn’t go back to school or see my friends or have the experiences I was looking forward to. 

6. How would you change this situation if you could? I don’t know if I would change this situation. I really did need help (I was in a bipolar depression to the point I was leaving class early with intent to kill myself. I also was having a terrible time forcing myself to shower or eat) and this was the way I got the help. As I mentioned before I  was hospitalized a bunch of times after that and this visit prepared me for them. I never again felt the fear I did that first night (until I was hospitalized at St. Vincent’s).

7. What is your physical/ mental experience? It was difficult. I was hospitalized during Thanksgiving so I didn’t get the delicious annual meal and I didn’t get to celebrate with all my cousins. But I did feel safer in the hospital than I did in my dorm room because I knew I was safe from myself.

8. If you could speak to someone who would it be? I would reassure myself that one day this would all be in the past. I would go years between hospital visits and they would no longer be nightmares just fodder for stories.

9. What are you saying to yourself? What is wrong with me? Will I be able to go back to school? Will I see my friend’s family again? When will everything go back to normal?

10.  What do you need more than anything else? To go back to school and just be a normal college student.

How do you feel now?I have compassion for myself and how hard it was for me. A mental institution is a whole new ballgame and each has it’s own rules and regulations so you sometimes break them without intending to. I never set out to cause trouble but there were times when I had to be subdued with medicine or put in the quiet room because I’d have an episode that I could not control.

What emotions are you having now?

Just compassion. I used to have fear but if I did have to go back to the hospital now (unless it was St. Vincent’s) I think I would be able to handle it. 

What are you telling yourself about this today?That I’m proud of myself. For raising the alarm when I needed help (which I would not be brave enough to do later on) and going through treatment even if it meant being separated from friends and family (and good food). And still being here today as a result.