Top Defining Moments: Three

Event: The (first) time I was sexually assaulted (trigger warning)

1. Where are you at this time? I was at the high school auditorium. We were striking the set after a musical. The funny thing is that the guy who assaulted me didn’t even go to our school. He was a teacher’s son.

2. How old are you and what do you look like? I was fourteen. I had cut off all my hair but I was wearing cute clothes. Tight silver leggings that I describe as “tissue paper thin” and a very lowcut gray shirt.

3. Who is there with you or who is supposed to be there with you? I was actually surrounded by my friends who were all in stage crew with me. The attack happened backstage when I went to put some paint away. I’m not sure how far it would have gone if we weren’t interrupted.

4. What happens that makes this moment so significant? No one had ever touched my body before and I wasn’t quite sure what was happening. I had never even been kissed. This experience opened me to a world of sexuality, even if it was nonconsensual.

5. What emotions are you experiencing at this time? I am panicking. Initially the assailant grabbed me from behind. I relaxed because I thought it was a hug but then he started shoving his hand between my legs and down my shirt.

6. How would you change this situation if you could? I would have kicked him. Stepped on his feet. Scream. Elbow him in the face. But I froze up. I had never been in that position before and I was terrified. I came home, kicked my clothes into a corner and cried in the tub.

7. What is your mental/ physical experience? After the incident, I began acting out, sexually and otherwise. I became very promiscuous. Eventually I developed a drinking habit. I also became extremely sensitive if anyone approached me from behind, sometimes bursting into tears, sometimes trying to attack whoever  hugged me. 

8. If you could speak to someone who would it be? What would you say? I would talk to myself and convince myself to tell my parents. He had a record and maybe if I spoke up I could at least get him kicked off of school grounds. However, that is unlikely. I knew I had no proof and that people might not believe me. I didn’t want to put myself through that. I just buried my pain. I do feel bad though because he probably went on to do the same thing to other girls.

9. What are you saying to yourself? It’s just a hug. What is he doing? What is he saying? This feels weird. Get your fucking hands off my boobs.

10. What do you need more than anything else? A hug from my mom.

How do you feel now?

After years of suffering and several months of trauma therapy (therapy tailored for those who had been through trauma) I am able to move on from what  happened to me. Sometimes I get mad that asshole got away with it but I try to comfort myself that he has probably been caught by now. I hope so anyway.

What emotions are you having now?

I actually am not. I am kind of dead when I talk about this. I don’t feel particularly sad. I’ve cried about it enough. I don’t feel angry anymore either. I think I’m at peace about it.

What are you telling yourself about this today?

That it wasn’t my fault. I was young, scared and vulnerable. He took advantage of that. I’m not mad at him but I will say that in my book that makes him a monster.