Top Eleven Defining Moments Part One

My apologies for missing yesterday. My parents and I took a spur of the moment trip to PA and then to Baltimore. I went to two very cool bookstores. One was modern and had the most recent books (plus stickers!) and the other was an old barn converted into a four story bookstore. I will not exaggerate when I say I couldn’t figure out how to get off the third floor even with the map. For a few minutes I felt like I was in a bookstore version of backrooms. Anyway there was an extensive Dr. Phil section there so I got three hardcover books all under twenty dollars. The books I got are Self Matters, Relationship Rescue, and Life Strategies. In Self Matters, Dr. Phil talks about pinpointing the top ten moments of my life. Here is my attempt to do that (I say attempt because I picked eleven) 

Event: Being diagnosed as OCD

1. Where are you at this time? I was in a psychiatrist’s office after several sessions. There were games in the corner but we never played any. There was also the DSM- 5 on the shelf which stood out as one of the biggest books I’d ever seen.

2. How old are you and what do you look like? I am eleven years old. My boobs are just beginning to come in, I wear my hair in a bob, and I’m just beginning to get hips which I confuse as fat.

3. Who is there with you or who is supposed to be there with you? My parents are there with me (looking worried) and my psychiatrist is there. She was a child psychiatrist. I worked with her until I turned nineteen.

4. What is  happening that makes this moment so significant? I realized in that moment I would never be “normal” again. I’d be on medicine. I’d be going to therapy twice a week because my OCD was so severe. But there was light at the end of the tunnel. There was a solution. I wasn’t crazy. 

5. What emotions are you experiencing at this moment? I felt both fear and relief. I felt fear because OCD didn’t exactly have a cure. I couldn’t take an antibiotic and go home. But it could be managed. And again I was relieved this did not mean I was a bad person. This did not reflect badly on my character. 

6. How would you change this situation if you could? I would have been diagnosed earlier. I started showing symptoms around age eight but of course my parents thought I was just weird. I also did not communicate my pain very well because I thought it was just part of growing up.

7. What is your mental/ physical experience? I was sort of in shock. I wrote one sentence in my journal about the experience: “I have OCD and GAD and I’m seeing a psychiatrist but I don’t want to talk about it” I knew it was not my fault but  I felt shame and I felt like a gap had emerged between me and my friends who surely wouldn’t understood. 

8. If you could speak to someone at this moment, who would it be? What would you say? I would address both my parents and make sure they knew none of this was their fault and that I was determined not to let OCD deter me from having a normal life. At least after the shock wore off.

9. What are you saying to yourself? This is all happening too fast. There is something wrong with me. How many kids take medication? Am I a freak……stuff along those lines

10. What do you need right now more than anything else? A hug from my mom and my dad telling me “It’lll be okay bub”

How you feel now?

 After living my whole life with OCD I am determined not to let it win. I know ways to trick it and beat it and even ways to soothe it without giving into it. 

What emotions are you now having?

I have compassion for that utterly terrified and confused little girl. I thought I was going crazy. It’s weird to know your brain isn’t working right

What are you telling yourself about this event today?

I’m glad Mom and Dad realized something was wrong because I was too wrapped up in my own head to realize that. Still, it was probably  my first life changing event.

What did you lose or gain? I realized I was tougher than I gave myself credit for. Granted, I didn’t have much of a choice but I did choose not to let it make me a victim.