Vein of Gold Vulnerability

I’ve shared my deepest secrets with  this blog and in my books (I am more vulnerable in my books and even more so in Story of Hope). Today I am answering some questions from Julia Cameron’s Vein of Gold. Feel free to ask yourself these questions or answer them in a journal or with a close friend or partner.

1. My closest childhood friend….was my next door neighbor. She moved in the summer before kindergarten started. It was amazing to have a built in best friend. We played every day alternately running away from our little brothers (which stings now because her younger brother tragically died) or inventing games, the four of us. When we started kindergarten we were in the same class and we were inseparable. The school wanted to separate us (they probably thought it was unhealthy) so they put us in different classes for first grade. She was able to make friends and branch out but for some reason I had trouble doing that until the third grade.

2. My greatest regret….is not getting help when I needed it. Instead I tried to kill myself. But we all know that story.

3. My secret vice…..I think I told you all my vices. Alcohol (which I have fully in hand), sex (that’s more tricky) and food (that is the most difficult of all). Good thing I don’t gamble.

4. My best childhood Christmas….I loved Christmas as a kid. What am I saying? I STILL love Christmas. It’s my favorite holiday even though my OCD goes haywire in December. The Christmases all blur together but one Christmas that does stick out (although it probably wasn’t my favorite) is the Christmas we were sick and it snowed so we couldn’t go anywhere. I was around six or seven. I just remember snuggling up as the snow came down and we watched a movie and we were all cozy together. I had just gotten a new camera and my brother got a plastic toolkit all complete with a belt. And because we were sick we didn’t have to interrupt our present opening to go to church.

5. My most beloved relative….I can’t really pick my most beloved relative. I had amazing grandparents though they are all now deceased. My aunts and uncles  have always gone out of their way to make me feel protected and loved. I’m very close to my cousins. In fact I wish I had more. The fact that some of my cousins are getting married makes me so happy because they’ve chosen wonderful wives and our family is just expanding. But I would say I am closest to Mary-Kate, a first cousin a few years older than me. She’s the closest thing I’ve got to a sister. In eighth grade I was partially homeschooled by my aunt and stayed at her house sometimes. I remember making pizza together. I remember it was one of the most enjoyable things I had done in weeks (I was severely depressed in eighth grade, harboring alot of anger). Mary-Kate would come to Cape Cod with us for several years and we visited each other at college. She’s someone I will always look up to and admire.

6. My favorite pet….it’s just impossible to choose. I had two wonderful cats: Susie, a frisky tabby, and Scout, a playful black cat. They were brother and sister and they were loving and affectionate. Susie got sick and passed away in 2022 which was very difficult. A few months ago we lost Scout. It was very hard. Yesterday we had a book club meeting. And my book club presented me with a beautiful and touching gift: a necklace with a black cat peeking out of a mug. They had chipped in and got it for me because for the last two years Scout has been our mascot.  I was so overwhelmed with gratitude I got choked up. I have amazing friends. I had amazing pets.

7. My worst betrayal…...This is actually touched upon in Story of Hope. My roommate revealed herself to be an insecure backstabber. She has a good poker face though. But I knew the whole time.

8. My deepest fear….losing the people close to me. I lost someone  very close to me in college, not to death but for reasons I still don’t know. It unsettled me. Fortunately, people like Justin or my best friends are convincing me that that is very unusual. I had just put my trust in the wrong person.

9. My secret dream…..it’s not really a secret but I want to help people. That’s why I love my job so much even though it can be stressful at times. I can actually see when I’ve made someone’s day a little better. It makes it all worth it. I had planned on being a counselor or a social worker. It didn’t work out. But there are other ways to help people. I’m glad I discovered that. It’s on the job learning.

10. My closest call….my suicide attempt. The cuts weren’t deep but you can still see the scars which is one of the reasons I want my semi colon tattoo on my wrist as a distraction.

    
    

11. My deepest gratitude…..that I’m still here. My friend’s parents were there to literally save my life. My friend’s mom held me down as she told me it wasn’t my time yet. She was right. My life is so amazing. I’m so glad I can experience it.