You Wish You Were Neat? Great. I Have an Illness

I have ranted and raved about this topic before but I feel like doing it again. So many people think OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) is equal to being overly neat or afraid of germs. Well, sorry to break it to you but that’s only a small slice of the pie. My room looks like a bomb had detonated with clothes on the chair, markers and paints spilling out of the crafts drawer and books falling off the shelf. I kind of forgot what my desk looked like under all my projects. And there’s a 50/50 chance my bed won’t be made.

 I wash my hands when they are dirty, when I get home, when I’m preparing food, after I use the bathroom and if I get glue on them. But I’m not afraid of getting sick or getting others sick (unless I actually am sick). There was a period in high school where I was temporarily celibate because I was afraid of contracting STDs and yes that was OCD. I was constantly googling symptoms but since most STDs don’t show symptoms unless they were having an outbreak that didn’t do me much good. I was also terrified I was pregnant. I was taking pregnancy tests when I was a virgin “just in case”. That is classic OCD.

Of course being neat or being afraid of germs can be a type of OCD. But that does not mean you have it. Before I was put on medication (at age 11) I had several types of OCD like worrying I was a pedophile, worrying I would hurt my brother or my cats (which is called harm OCD) and worrying I was a bad person and would go to hell. I was on the cusp of puberty and I kept worrying I was a sexual deviant. I felt like I was going crazy.

Now my OCD is less about thoughts and more about checking. Checking is when I make sure something is the right place. Or I will ask someone “I’m a good person right?” or “Everything will be okay right?” Or I will go back three or four times to make sure something is where it’s supposed to be. Until I check I am unable to think of anything else. It repeats in my head. Hence the obsession. The part where I run back to check is the compulsion.

I have been told on more than one occasion that I am “lucky” to have OCD because that means I am neat. I hate this misconception. My whole life I have fought this disorder (I started showing symptoms as early as age eight). It is not an asset or a personality trait or an adjective. It’s something I have struggled with. Please don’t assume an illness makes a person’s life easier. It can make them stronger. It can make them more resilient.  But it’s still hard. And no you aren’t “like so OCD” You either have it or you don’t. And if you have it….I’m sorry.