Contradictions

Things Im Sad About but Also Kind of Happy

• i was told a while ago i shouldn't have children which breaks my heart.  But there are alot of things you can do when you don't have children.  Maybe once I'm better Justin and I can travel. Justin and I can invest alot more in ourselves and our activities and areas of work. Basically we can deposit that energy and love that could be given to a child to other things. 

• I never graduated from college with my best friends, dropping out in our junior year and gradually I lost touch with almost all of them. If I heard from any of them it would be a great surprise. That hurts because I felt really close like we all would be friends forever. But leaving Scranton allowed me to become a more resilient person. I loved becoming a member of Rockland Poets and the friends I made there have lasted about nine years. These are the friends I’ll have for life.

• I’m sort of sad but mostly I’m happy my best friend Derrick is not in my life anymore. Looking back I see he was a toxic person who frequently made me feel bad about myself like I was the toxic one. I was just trying to get a handle on my mental health and he wasn’t good for my peace of mind. If he tried to get back into my life I don’t think I’d let him.

Things  Im Happy About But Also Kind of Sad

• I’m happy I don’t have to drive. Driving used to terrify me and the fact that I can’t drive due to my medication makes me more than just a little relieved. It would just be panic attack after panic attack and I’m scared I might kill someone in my car or in someone else’s. But sometimes I  want to go somewhere (usually a local library or a poetry slam) and I’m stuck home.

• I’m enjoying my sober life. I never get hangovers and I remember everything I do. I don’t make stupid mistakes or jeopardize a committed relationship. But sometimes (especially on New Year’s Eve or at Cape Cod) I want to be the one with a glass or a beer in my hand. I miss that feeling like I’m floating on my back in a pool of carelessness. 

• When my brother and his girlfriend travel the globe and have exciting adventures. For me an exciting adventure is being released from the hospital. I’m happy for my brother and his girlfriend and it is fun to live vicariously but it does make me wistful. Justin has already seen most of Europe so he isn’t as travel thirsty as I am.