Conundrums (And More Questions)

• Why am I so driven/ busy? Ever since I quit my job, I feel compelled to be busy every waking minute. Sometimes it’s “harmless” like working on Christmas presents which is fun (usually I listen to books on tape while I do it) but sometimes I’m rushing from  one activity to another and nothing feels like fun even collaging or writing. I impose deadlines on myself which only adds to my stress. I think I worry that if I’m too relaxed my work isn’t legitimate. That I will have become lazy in the wake of my unemployment. That I am useless in the wake of unemployment. Or at least being busy means that I won’t become that way.

• Am I spending too much money? Impulse buys are a sign of mania. My chief signs of mania are sleeplessness, irritability, hypersexuality and overspending. If it gets too bad, I start exhibiting signs of psychosis. Lately I’ve been buying a lot of magazines. Honestly at this point it would probably be less expensive to buy two or three year long subscriptions. But at least this way I can pick and choose which edition I want to buy. Still, it is unusual for me to spend $40 at Barnes and Nobles four consecutive weeks in a row. Especially since I don’t have alot of money. My parents give me an allowance but I need to handle it better.

• I was invited to a Halloween party this year but its not on Halloween. On actual Halloween I have no plans. I wish this didn’t bother me but some of it does. Some of it is residual from childhood. If I was not busy on  “key” days of the year (namely Halloween and New Year’s Eve) I worried about missing out. My FOMO went through the roof. This year Justin and I decided to just get together and watch terrifying movies (I will literally hold him down). The last few years I went to a gay club with some friends but this year Halloween falls on a Saturday. The place will be packed. I will be stepped on no question. I would choose the movies.

• How much do I weigh? I weighed myself about two weeks ago but I’ve gone a little off the rails since then. I feel so hungry, ravenous. I eat snacks. I eat pasta. I eat until my stomach hurts. I don’t know what to do with this kind of hunger. I’m scared to get on the scale. I don’t like  my body anymore. I don’t like mirrors, pictures or compliments because I know they can’t possibly be genuine.

• So here’s the big question: when can I listen to Christmas music? I don’t believe in Christmas before Halloween. I used to work at AC Moore and (as those who go into Michaels know) there are always Christmas trees on display before Thanksgiving. I do get it because for those of us who make alllll their Christmas presents (for me this means maybe forty presents not including cards) it is more fun and provides more incentive to work on your presents. So I can wait until Halloween but then I might play Christmas songs one or two days a week. And after Thanksgiving of course it is open season.

• Was Anne Boleyn guilty? She was tried for adultery and also plotting the king’s murder. I don’t really believe she was guilty of these offenses. I didn’t like Anne Boleyn (well, I mean, it’s not like I ever met her) She lured a morally weak man away from his wife (Katherine of Aragon to whom he was absolutely legally married) and she treated both his wife and Katherine’s daughter Mary terribly. Anybody who disagreed with her becoming Queen she had no problem with sending them to the Tower. But I don’t think she would jeopardize her position as Queen for a dalliance with anyone. Too risky. And if the king did die while she had not provided him with an air she would have been put in a precarious position. So why would she do that? 

• Which book is better, Fledgling by Octavia E. Butler and Hollow Bones by Jodi Picoult? In the last two days I have finished two amazing books I think everyone should read. Fledgling is a fast paced book about a young vampire whose community is completely destroyed and has to relearn everything about her family and species. Hollow Bones is about a woman whose mother perishes in 9/11 when she is a baby. It deals with 9/11 but also religious fanaticism and post partum psychosis (which is currently in the news alot lately. Even I did a post or two on it). 

• When am I going to get over this damn cold? I’m sick; I have a cold, sore throat, chills, fatigue. I don’t usually get sick but when I do I’m not usually happy about it. I tend to whine alot and beg for jello or soup. Or yeah and wear ten million blankets.