Small Things That Get Me Disproportionately Upset Part 2

• When my brain fog makes me forget something or causes me to act careless. In this case I left two chapters out of my book which I only noticed during the revision stage. I contacted my editors right away but I haven’t heard back from them and it is stressing me out beyond belief. I’ll tell you right now I don’t care how much money it costs me; I’m not publishing that book without those two chapters.

• When guys pursue me even though I am a boyfriend. This definitely does not happen as much as it used to (I used to be a hot girl, now I’m average at best) but I’m a girl, I have boobs, it does happen. And alot of the time the guys who hit on me know I have a boyfriend. Occasionally they are even friends with him. Yet they have no qualms about hitting on his girlfriend. Interesting. And tedious for me.

• Laundry. I don’t mind doing  the laundry. It’s the folding and putting it away.

• When my phone/ computer act up. I really don’t like getting new technology. All my pictures/ contacts/ data/  passwords are on my old phone and computer. But lately my technology has been acting up. I’ve been making excuses for it but I think I might need to replace one or both before they completely shut down because as a writer I can’t go without a phone OR computer.

• When my OCD torments me (this really isn’t a small thing. It’s horrible. So when I say torment no I do not exaggerate)

• Regret purchases. Being bipolar makes me very prone to regret purchases. When I’m sad, sometimes I buy things to feel better. Comfort buys, they are called. I look to a journal or pens or magazines to cure my sadness. When I’m manic, they are called impulse buys. It feels good in the moment and I haaaaavvvvveeee to have it.

• Cleaning my room. Talk about the ultimate challenge. It feels good when it’s clean but its also a lot of damn work because (in truth) I  do have too much stuff and not enough room. My room is due for a deep cleanse. I plan on doing it sometime next week and maybe chronicling it as I go.

• Being belittled publicly. There are several people I know who cut me down in our interactions. I’m not really sure what their problem is because I never disrespected them the way they constantly insist on disrespecting me but I always take the higher road because I have class. Seriously, though it’s utterly exhausting dealing with people who stoop so low.

• Being ignored. I used to love attention. The older I got the more I was okay with being in the background. But not having my voice heard does bother me. I want people to know who I am and where I stand. But I’m not going to upstage you on your wedding day.

• Hearing about someone’s college experience. I’m not proud of this. But it’s very hard to  hear about someone’s college experience from the classes to the parties to the clubs to the lifelong friendships that I never got to cement because it was cruelly taken from me. I loved college (well, freshmen year I loved college. Sophomore year was survival) and I would have done anything to continue. Unfortunately, it was not in the cards. It’s hard to witness people have what I would have given everything for. I don’t blame them nor am I resentful. But it does hurt

• Not having the biggest boobs. This ones weird and I’ve never been able to figure it out. It’s also embarrassing so I don’t have much to say on the subject.

• Hearing about someone else’s pregnancy journey. I’m not going to have children. People constantly tell me I can adopt but I always dreamed of bringing a baby into the world with my own body-feeling it kick, seeing the sonogram. I would never expose the baby to either of the conditions I was born with- OCD or bipolar disorder- and so I have concluded that bringing a baby into the world would be selfish. I wouldn’t do that. I also know I might not be a capable mother.But I know this maternal ache in my  heart might never go away. I don’t know. Maybe this wasn’t small either.