Small Things That Get Me Disproportionately Bothered

I have really been struggling with my OCD for the last month.  A depressive episode also has kicked in (sounds like a weather forecast) so they raised my SSRI. The trouble is raising my SSRI usually results in  a mild manic episode. We deal and go back down. Here are some usually innocuous things that trigger the depression:

• I got such a nice pen from my friend for my birthday. Not only did I drop it but when I went to pick it up I stepped up on it. When I tried writing with it it didn’t work. I wanted to slap my own self in the face

• Refilling my medication containers. The only way I could possibly keep track of my medication is through three medication containers. I refill them once a week. Each medication (there are about twelve) has a different dose. Some have to be cut in half, others have to be cut in quarters. It’s very tedious and an exercise in concentration. I detest it.

• Brushing my teeth/ washing my face. Before you go “ew”, just know that I brush my teeth and wash my face anyway, it’s just hard for me. Struggling with personal hygiene is a sign of bipolar disorder. It’s not a character flaw. To struggle with the barest minimum sounds pathetic but know its hard. It’s really hard. 

• When I eat too much or gain weight. My meds give me a voracious appetite. If I had it my way, I would just eat until I had a stomach ache. Sometimes I do that and then I feel bloated and gross and like I might  throw up. When I step on the scale and see I’ve gained weight even if it’s only one or two pounds, it’s disheartening. When you weigh as much as I do, one or two pounds means a lot. One or two pounds can make or break a mood.

• When a girl lays claim to my man. My boyfriend is very handsome and personable. If I sense a girl is trying to flirt with him I usually don’t mind unless I think  the girl  is fake or a pick me. He never flirts back so jokes on them. I also trust him so I don’t know why this  bothers me.

• When my room gets messy (even if it is my fault). My room spends 90% of the time in a perpetual state of “clean this up please” Clothes on the chair, on the floor, overflowing a drawer. Half used glue sticks under the desk. Empty seltzer bottles overflowing the trash and the desk. When I walk into my room when it is like this I feel discouraged. I felt sapped of energy. And of course the bed has shit on it too.

• When people assume things like my sexual orientation, political affiliation, religion or mental health. I don’t like when people automatically assume things about me. When someone accuses me of being a certain religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation or a type of mental illness according to certain behavior or because they are trying to prove a point I find it very rude. If you were really curious, you could ask but honestly? Unless I voluntarily chose to share, it’s none of your damn business.

• When people judge me for not driving, working or having a college degree. Honestly, I’m not supposed to drive on the combination of meds I am on. They affect my reflexes. They give me tremors. They could make me fall asleep behind the wheel. Not to mention I have very poor eyesight. As for college I made every effort to finish. I was hospitalized the first semester of sophomore year but I went back right after, and finished the semester with a 4.0. I was hospitalized the second semester of sophomore year but the hospital and school would not let me return so I took medical leave and did a partial hospitalization program. Finally, I returned junior year. I was having a very hard time until I attempted suicide. After that, I did not return. I don’t need a college degree to succeed. But the prejudice is very strong. And yes, it does upset me.