Shades of Emotions: Disgust

I’m pretty open minded. There isn’t a lot that disgusts me other than your standard list of things everybody is disgusted with (crickets, say). But here are some subtypes of disgust (according to my journal Shadow Work Journal) and how often I feel them.

Disappointed: 40%. I gave this a 40% because I set my heart on things and get my heart busted when it doesn’t work out. The last time I was hospitalized  I was sent to a different hospital than the first five times. The first hospital was nationally known as one of the best but I was not so lucky on the sixth time. They didn’t even have groups. There was no privacy and everything was dirty. I had three nurses I liked and every body else I was wary of. Oh and I punched a wall. It was cement so it felt like I broke my hand.

Awful: 25% I don’t feel awful usually. News and current events usually makes me want to break shit but I think most people feel that way. I always wanted to go to a protest or demonstrate my feelings in some kind of way but there are several barriers to that so for now I keep my personal beliefs private and take solace in watching Youtubbers or podcasts of people who feel the same way.

Disapproval: 5% Who am  I to disapprove on the actions or thoughts of anyone else? I’ve made mistakes. I make them on a daily basis. People I love have made mistakes and I love them anyway. I am in no position to cast judgement. 

Avoidance: 75% I will always avoid going back to the hospital. If you ask me what my number one priority is after keeping my sanity and the people I love alive is staying the fuck out of the hospital. People say it isn’t bad. No. It is that bad. I’m not trying to scare you. If its a battle between the hospital and suicide please choose the hospital. Please choose to save yourself. But this is no five star hotel. The sheer isolation and loneliness you will feel will crush you (unless you make several close friends which can really save you). There is no privacy. There is alot of free time and way too much TV. You are at the mercy of the staff and the other patients. I hope to never go back.