Wednesday Shadow Work

I’m really enjoying this Shadow Growth Journal. Here are the statements that do not apply to me followed by the statements that do apply to me:

Statements that Do Not Apply to Me

• You project unwanted  feelings and traits onto others

• You judge and criticize others

I try very hard not to do this. There are so many things people could criticize about me or judge me for, it would ultimately be the pot calling the kettle black. I’m not about to fall on my sword. 

• You are quick to temper and react to certain situations

I don’t usually get angry unless I am manic. And when  I’m manic it bypasses that “irritable” that all counselors have on their checklists and goes right to blind fury. One time when I was in the hospital I “spilled” water on someone because they had pissed me off.

• You fail to have healthy relationships

I have many healthy relationships. In fact, if it’s not healthy I’m not in a relationship with them. My anniversary with my dear boyfriend is coming up: 4 years which I have never reached before. All my friends are very kind to me and they reach out to me when I’m having a difficult time 

• You always think someone is talking about you

That would be a no. I am egotistical but not so much that I think people are talking about me every minute of every day. 

• You engage in online bullying

Never. I find online bullying cowardly and despicable. I’ve seen what people have written about me though (ugly, whore, etc)

• You overly procrastinate

I don’t do this either.  I get a kick on staying one step ahead of new assignments and at college I was always taking notes on the next chapter with the textbook and a batch of post-it notes.

• You constantly feel anxious and depressed

Even though I  have a mood disorder (Bipolar 1) and a few anxiety disorders (OCD, GAD, panic disorder, PTSD) I usually am pretty happy. I know what makes me happy (hot showers, warm baths, clean sheets, journaling, knitting, Youtube, my boyfriend, game nights, open mics, poetry, music) and I try to fill my life with as much as that as possible even when times are hard (like now. I’m crashing after a manic episode and the medication changes are making me sick)

• You make excuses constantly and avoid accountability

I take accountability for my mistakes and I don’t make excuses for them either.

Statements That Do Apply to Me:

• You play the victim

I’m not proud of it but sometimes I play the victim. I have several disorders and sometimes I  play the “bipolar” card or the “OCD” excuse. Even people close to me fall for it sometimes. 

• You lack boundaries and have a hard time saying no

One of the thing I struggle the most with is putting up boundaries with men. I have very good male friends with intentions whom I would never question. They are my guy friends and I know they’d respect that. But there are other friends or even just acquaintances who send up alarm bells and for some reason I have trouble setting boundaries even when I’m uncomfortable, which I am because I’m in a relationship and I want to be loyal but I also just don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. But my relationship has lasted this long because it comes first.

• You have repetitive, addictive behavior

I have had problems with alcohol and with sexual activity. Now I am have having trouble not bingeeating. If left alone,  I’ll tear into a pantry. I have a preference of carbs, butter, nuts and sweets. So basically things that will make you pack on the pounds.

• You deny feeling certain emotions

Someone once said emotions weren’t really good or bad, they just are. I haven’t really reached that yet. I feel guilty and confused about my emotions and because I am so ashamed the only way I express them is either whispering them to my boyfriend or writing a poem.

• You fail to set healthy boundaries

I discussed this already.

• You engage in self loathing.

Not as much as I used to. I smile when I see myself in the mirror even though I am pretty heavy. I sing to myself as I do crafts and write. I make time to myself, my friends, my family and Justin. I don’t let myself burn out.

• You constantly compare your life to someone else’s

I do compare my lives to my friends especially the fun plans they have with their friends (like bachelorette parties etc) or hobbies they are good at or the careers they have built and college experiences- which hurts because I feel like I missed out on it. 

So yeah I’m not perfect. Obviously. But shadow work does good to show the cracks where the light comes in.