What's Under My Iceberg....And More

• Fear: for my country, for my freedoms and for my journals

• Grief: I know Scout’s been gone for a month maybe more but I haven’t gotten used to not hearing the click of his paws on the floor. The way he’d curl up in Mom’s lap- or mine as I’d do my knitting. The way he would beg for scraps of food during dinner, gazing up at us with his big green eyes looking almost like a kitten.

• Loneliness: No one can comprehend how hard my OCD is. Or how ashamed I am of my hypersexuality. Or how alone I feel when it’s seven o’clock and my mood is dipping (something my therapist calls sundowning). But I write about it anyway knowing there are people who care. And others going through the same thing. 

• Sadness: I miss Derrick’s family. I’m not exactly sure why Derrick blocked me about seven years ago and yes it still hurts. I’m not sure why his family let me go. I make contact twice a year: on Debbie’s birthday and Mother’s Day. Other than that I am forgotten. Which baffles me. 

Mid June Report Card:

Sleeping Habits: A. With my medicine I fall asleep right away. I don’t even have to think. The only problem is  my nightmares seem so vivid and my body ignores my bladder telling it I need a bathroom. 

Toxic Relationships (getting out of them): A+. I currently have no toxic relationships in my life

Technology: B. I still check my phone an excessive amount but at least I don’t check Facebook or Instagram unless I’m posting for my blog. I also haven’t posted a selfie in about a month which means I’m about due.

Saying “yes” only when I mean it: A

Comparing yourself to others: C+. I compare a girl’s hair, breasts and ass to mine. I compare the level of male attention she garners to mine. It’s like being at Tudor court with me: I must be the prettiest. But trust me I’m a very likeable person. It does not affect how I treat  you. 

Listening to my Body: B+. When I feel myself becoming full or approaching a stomachache I shove my food away. Recently I’ve stopped eating when I am ¾ full instead of 100% full. I don’t clear my plate. On vacation I had the most delicious truffle risotto. I didn’t even finish it (I had half). It was almost like a spiritual experience for me and I think I only enjoyed it all the more because I only had half.

Flashback Tuesday: 2022

At what time in the relationship does someone know “This is it. He’s the one” Does feeling it for previous partners diminish its worth? I’m 25 now and don’t intend to marry before thirty. But I feel love for Justin. Deep unconditional love.